How I eked out pearls of energy while stuck in my postdoc
I remember very distinctly having barely any energy to go from one day to the next in my postdoc. I inadvertently started monitoring my energy levels, because I felt so low all the time. So I basically started noticing when I felt slightly less tired and sad, and which days I felt worse than usual. Here are some of the things that helped:
I really enjoyed the highly technical experiments I was doing. Not everyone loves dissecting a bunch of fruit fly brains, but I do! It was an activity that felt calming, and I could pair with a podcast for example. It also required that I was concentrated, and so I could calm my anxiety. I also did a lot of imaging experiments: the microscope room was a place where I could have a moment for myself.
In another lab, I remember spending a lot of time doing experiments in the cold room. Not all experiments I did there needed to be done there. The reason? Annoying people did not have access to me there.
I started a teaching certification offered by my university, which gave me tons of energy. I really enjoyed developing classes and lesson plans. This could be counterintuitive, but adding work I loved actually helped my energy levels.
This is a controversial one: I realized one of my biggest energy sinks was our lab meeting. So I started asking to skip lab meetings, citing conflicts with experiments, and I would be excused. (I’ve seen colleagues actually start experiments that required them to leave during lab meetings . -It was hard for people to say no when a timer went off in the middle of the conference room).
This way I was able to talk with individual lab members in the unlikely case I had missed something important, without having to participate in the draining lab meeting environment.
Why is this even important? Again, the more energy you have the easier it is to do things that scare you, such as updating your resume, putting yourself out on LinkedIn , looking for other jobs, or having a difficult conversation with your mentor about the direction of your project.
Examples of small energy wins
You can try a few things and see which one works better. Importantly, they don't have to be work -related tasks, but they can be. If talk energizes you, go find the sales reps. If space and quiet alone time energize you,do a quiet half hour in the library before going to the lab. Or in the coffee shop before starting your day at the library. If gaining a sense of control over your environment energizes you, organize a small part of your bench or desk. Treat this as an important part of your day, because it is. These quick small energy wins will sustain you on your journey to bigger shifts.
Every day do at least one task that energizes you. Even if it is ordering supplies or rearranging your desk (or desktop) or chatting for 5 minutes with someone, We are looking for the quickest energy wins you can get out of your day.
Finding common themes: Once you have a list of energizing tasks, you can figure out if there are some common elements: these are all done away from people, for example. Or, these are all done with a group. Or, these are all physical, or technical, or writing-heavy: bingo: you have found a theme that gives you energy. This is great, in that it gives you a road map for finding and trying some more tasks that could be energizing.
“Fast-paced, Dynamic Environments”: distinguishing the noise from the signal.
If you have to put out serious fires every day, if your lab is always on “deadline mode” or or “all hands on deck” mode, include every emergency in your task list for the week. If your boss needs this job done now and then the next job done now, write that down. If every day you end up having a 2 hour meeting with your advisor to micromanage or discuss your performance (not including scientific discussions here), make note of it. If you have to spend time every day cleaning up other people’s actions thinking on your feet, document it.
The goal of this exercise is to understand that if everything is an emergency, there is something else going on. Urgency is supposed to be an emergency state where you draw on reserves to make things work, and then return to a more calm and proactive baseline. Anything different, and what you have is a false urgency environment. It is important for you to understand this even if you cannot do much about it. You will need to create boundaries over your inner peace, knowing that just because something looks like an emergency, it is not.
Some environments are very good at creating false urgency, where everything is a priority. If you stop for a moment, you are seen as sluggish. When you live in a false urgency environment it is very easy to get swept by the climate of anxiety and buzz.
The reason I write about false urgency is:
a) our job involves managing our time, and managing other people.
b) some bosses use false emergency to feel productive, and some coworkers use it to look productive in front of their bosses.
c) false urgency creates a lot of adrenaline and can lead to burnout.
If you live in a false urgency environment, the first thing to do is acknowledge that fact. This is when documenting is useful, to show you how much of your day you spend in emergency mode. The second thing to do is give yourself more energy in the form of short, small calming and proactive tasks (really tiny tasks, like making a list of your staining slides, organizing one rack of samples, 5 minutes of literature search with a timer, etc.). This will be really helpful to give you mental space away from the emergency (and cuts down on time spent in self-recrimination, or being the object of recrimination by others). In time, this mental space helps you figure out how best to respond to every claim of an emergency (including trading tasks with someone else, or forming partnerships). This does not mean you will not follow orders or execute, but the change in your thinking about the event as an emergency vs non emergency makes a big difference in how much energy and stress you will devote to an event, and why.
“I hate everything about my postdoc”
There’s a chance that you start thinking about your favorite parts of the job, and you come up with “nothing! I hate my postdoc”.
My experience (both personal and when talking to clients) has shown me that many scientists will say they absolutely hate their job when they actually enjoy lots of work-related tasks. But the parts they do not like ends up taking over and colors the whole experience in a very negative light.
This is not about gaslighting you and convincing you your postdoc isn't so bad; it is about finding the energy to make bigger shifts in your life eventually.
When we are in a funk, or our project isn't working, or our boss is being hurtful, it is easy to lose perspective and hate every part of our day. It can also make us feel powerless and lost. And this creates more funk.
One of the keys to get out of this funk is to do more of the things that give you energy and less of the things that take energy away. So give this monitoring exercise a chance: We will start small, and that will help you regain a feeling of control over your day. Even if you start with 5 minutes! The effects of this will compound over time.
How I got clear about my truest motivation
It all begins with an idea.
If anyone asked me why I was doing a postdoc, I’d answer “to gain the new skills and knowledge to go into this new field that I like”. If I was prodded a little bit more: “I had such a good experience during my PhD that I wanted to try academia as a career path”. Or “I don't know if I will like industry- my mom hated it”. All those things were true.
And at the same time, they did not reflect the truest need served by my postdoc.
One morning, I stood in the lab, watching yet again how my hard work had helped the lab get grant money. Once again, I had not been acknowledged, not even a Thank you. I asked myself “So why was I here then?” And one answer rose crystal clear for me:
“You are here because You don't want to go back. You want the fastest possible path to immigrate to the U.S”
As soon as those words came out, I was inundated with a sense of calm. I was still very frustrated with my project, and with my boss.
But I also felt relief. I felt that I had arrived at a true motivation.
I had been in this postdoc for a year and a half without understanding my primary motivation!
The path forward seemed a lot clearer. I was sad about some of the things I might need to let go of, but I also felt a lot less confused and lost.
My answer came in perfect clarity in a moment of frustration. Your answer does not need to wait till you are upset or frustrated. You can journal to find it. And it will probably save you some pain.
How Finding my Why helped me in my journey
It all begins with an idea.
When I had this experience, and I found my why, one of the things I realized was “I’ll never get a first author paper out of this postdoc”. That was extremely sad for me to realize. But I felt really calm, in that “it's not going to work. Next step” type of feeling. I knew it was true, and also that I needed to let go of the particular attachment of getting a paper in service of my primary motivation.
Once I was armed with my why, I rearranged some things in my life to serve my ultimate motivation. I still worked incredibly hard, i mean its a postdoc. BUT…
I spent less time trying to convince my supervisor about a particular course of action. I just did my work and followed orders.
I spent more time talking to people about their immigration journey. I suddenly had the energy to do these things.
I learned that many people had consulted a few lawyers. (Invariably one firm would say that more credentials were needed for a successful immigration process, and another firm would take the case successfully with the existing credentials). This gave me confidence, and the energy to keep going. I learned more about the resources the university had for me. I met university employees who were knowledgeable and actually interested in helping me.
And then, things in my life started rearranging themselves in helping me. A dear friend let me know of a lawyer who was open for a consultation at an extremely reasonable price. That conversation with the lawyer was incredibly eye-opening and helpful. This filled me with energy to get through the days in the lab, and actually, my interactions with my boss became less loaded.
I found out that being a reviewer would be beneficial for my application. The next day I received a totally unprompted email from a prestigious journal telling me I had been registered as a reviewer by my boss. And that I had a couple of papers waiting for me to review them. I’m telling you, things started happening, and paths forward started emerging. Most importantly, there was more energy in my life available to me.
Before this clarity, taking action in my life looked a bit disorganized. I sort of stumbled into pockets of energy, either by being deeply angry (which moved me into clear action) or in deep despair (which made me whiny but let me ask for help). I also often ended up in deep procrastination.
Finding out my why galvanized me and helped me prioritize so I could actually reach my goals.